Starting Line: It’s 7am, I’m cold, I have no idea where I am going…crap, I have to pee so bad…why did I drink that water?? I knew I shouldn’t have…at least I’m full and pooped. So many people, wow. It’s chilly…the sun is nice…those shoes are ugly, what’s with the platform? Can we start already? Here we go…GOD HELP ME! Yeah, holding back tears.
Mile 1: Well, that was quick! Haven’t seen anyone yet, it’s still kinda chilly…still have to pee.
Mile 2: I have friends!!! HI!!!!!! YAY!! Gizmode!! I don’t want Gatorade, but I need to drink it.
Mile 3: I have to pee so bad…porta potty lines are so long…why did I wear shorts???!! I could have peed in my pants in capris! So mad right now!!! So far, I am good though…easy pace, the sun is nice.
Mile 4: I feel good, making good strides…but this heavy bladder is slowing me down, I can feel it, maybe I can make it to Mile 6 and there won’t be so many people waiting in line.
Mile 5: Thank God I chased that old lady into the Shell gas station bathroom!! BRILLIANT!!! No waiting and I’m back on track…only lost a minute or so.
Mile 6: That wind off the lake in BRUTAL! Crap, my knee is hurting. Figures. It’s ok.
Mile 7: I think I was supposed to find someone here, aren’t we turning around yet? I hate the North Side. Sorry Cubs Fans
Mile 8: Found a friend, found 2! “If Trump Can Run, So Can You!” Hahahaha!
Mile 9: Headed back South baby!!! This race is flying!!! Starting to really hate Gatorade…why is it always neon pee colored?
Mile 10: I feel like the Energizer Bunny!! Weeee!!! I’m still flying! Not gonna lie though, my stupid knee is bugging me though…changing my gait for a bit.
Mile 11: Am I the only one thinking that these miles are getting longer? I swear they were going by faster…NO? I’m starting to get gassy…good thing no one I know is running next to me.
Mile 12: I can hear the WEST LOOP!!! I LOVE THIS!! I am made for this race now! Let’s step on it and PR (personal record) an official half marathon time!!
Mile 13: I am gonna PR this half if I have to sprint the next .1 miles! YES!! 2:10!!!! Gizmode was in full effect!! Love my friends! HOME SWEET HOME! Why is this race only half over?? Kill me now.
Mile 14: Saw so many people! I feel so loved!! I can’t choke up on tears now, it’s hurting my breathing…Calm down Giz, you have a long way still. Remember, you are back to Mile 1 of the next set of 13.1.
Mile 15: There are 26 letters, I’m on O…WHAT THE HELL BEGINS WITH O?? Orthopedic…gonna have to look one up when I am done with this thing…HA! Shut up, Gizmo, that wall isn’t true, you got this. You’re an idiot.
Mile 16: Where am I? I don’t even know what is going on, my stomach hurts from holding in farts…screw it….so much better. I hope that wasn’t loud.
Mile 17: Brick walls have more give than what I am going through. I need a toothbrush; my teeth are eroding from this Ecto Cooler with electrolytes.
Mile 18: BLANK. I barely remember running down Taylor Street….oh wait…PowerAde Gel…no way, never again…of course I get Strawberry Banana.
Mile 19: Yep, I slipped on a banana peel coupled with slick waxy Gatorade cups. SO MUCH PAIN. Need to get stretched out, crap, I hope I can finish. ACME has nothing on me…NOTHING. Aid tells me I can’t run anymore, I tell him ” I have 7 miles to go, watch me.”
Mile 20: Tears of pain just streaming down my face. Lost almost 20 minutes. At least I can move again. I couldn’t hate bananas more than I do now. Why me? Why can’t I just get an easy race?
Mile 21: I am done with this, I want to cry, I am running 13 min miles at this point. What time is it? I don’t even know how to do math anymore to know where I stand in terms of time. I don’t care.
Mile 22: OK, that wasn’t a wall…it was a freaking tunnel that lasted 2 miles too long. I am here, I am doing this, suck it up. Gizmode is getting this done! I can’t stand this anymore, I just want to be done. Why is this lady handing out bagels? Really? I need more crap to trip on. I’m actually getting hungry.
Mile 23: Only a 5k left. Oh great, more bananas. I have a weird chill going through me…ooh gummy Gatorade chews! God, I hope that was a fart…ugh.
Mile 24: Why are we turning so much, I have lost my complete sense of direction. What was with that tunnel on the bridge?? Wait, what happened to all the people? What begins with X???? Xylophone? Ok, that does nothing for me. XCELLENT!! XHUBERANT!!! I vote for the silent “E” right now!!
Mile 25: ONE MORE LEFT…oh wait….0.2 miles in…NOW it’s 1-mile left!! Yes!! I can hear people…the tears are coming…I am running the rest of this, who cares about my leg. This is mine.
Mile 26: When did we switch to the metric system??? 800 meters, 400 meters…how can they do this to me???!! How much longer do I have!!! MOMMY!!! DADDY!!!! HI!!!!! TEARS AND TEARS…and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? A HILL???!!! A FREAKING HILL???!!!
Mile 26.2: I can’t breathe, every emotion I have inside me is sitting like a boulder in my throat. Why am I doing this? What did I do this for?? OMG, FINISH LINE. Everything hurts…I’m amazing…I have to pee again…I’m hungry…Where’s my medal? Do they have those aluminum foil capes; I want to be Wonder Woman…This thing is so shiny!!! I will sleep with this medal on forever…I can’t wait to do this again, I’ve got a new PR to achieve 😉