Hey guys, I don’t have much of a blog for you today. My little princess, Gracie had a tumor removed yesterday that just took up all my time. I haven’t had the emotional and mental capacity since this past weekend to do much else but hang out with her. I know some of you are thinking it may not be a big deal, which the surgery itself isn’t, but having a 7-year-old English Bulldog going under anesthesia and the recovery itself is risky. The breed as most know, is known for their smaller nasal cavities that causes them to breathe at a harder and faster pace that those breed with snouts…explains all the snoring and snorting from this breed as well. This proves to be a more dangerous issue during surgical procedures going under anesthetic and coming out of it. The older the dog, that riskier it becomes. So yeah, I’ve been pretty freaked out.
My dogs are my family; I love them more that some members of my own human family. The love that you have for a pet is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Not having kids yet, I can’t imagine loving these creatures any more than I do, yet I love them both more and more every day. Since the day I met these two, I knew that my life would never be the same. I never had a dog, so never knew how my life would be with two of them! Now, I can’t imagine my life with anything less. I’ve had almost seven years of snores, farts, snorts, slobber, butt wiggles, bully dances, wet kisses, bedtime snuggles and day time cuddles, I want at least seven more with them.
It’s Monday night, 7pm, as I start this blog, I am scared, shaking and nervous. I haven’t moved from Gracie’s side most of the day. She had her favorite dinner of steamed lake perch, kibble and cheddar cheese for dessert. She got some extra homemade doggie cakes I made her last week. She isn’t allowed to eat until after her procedure. She will go in tomorrow at 8am and her surgery is scheduled for early afternoon and I can pick her up after 3pm. All I can do right now is pray and spend as much time with her so she isn’t stressed out and feel that something is wrong. I will update this in the morning after she goes in.
Tuesday morning at 7am, up and freaking out, trying to make coffee and distract Chloe so she’s not all stressed about us leaving her at home while I take Gracie to the vet. It’s funny the games I have to play to make sure one is stressing about one thing and the other thinks things are normal. I’m already exhausted.
So, that was the most excruciating experience ever. Gracie is shaking, her eyes are wide, her heart is pounding and she’s breathing like she just ran 10 miles. She’s confused, she’s scared, she hasn’t had food in 12 hours and water since last night. She has no idea what is going on but she knows enough that something isn’t right. It’s actually amazing to see how much a dog can feel and see even if they can’t understand. They are so intuitive and in tune with their surroundings, whether it be the people or the place. Gracie always knows when we are on the highway and somehow always knows when we are at the vet. She was doing her usual stubborn stance and refused to go with the nurse. I kissed her on the nose and told her to be strong and walked out the door and burst into tears. That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. All I can see in her precious face looking at me like “What is going on, Mama?” Rough freaking morning.
Going home to Chloe was no picnic either. She hasn’t pooped, she’s whimpering and freaking out wondering why I returned without her daughter. She finally calms enough to eat. I am trying to comfort her, but she’s frantically pacing around the house trying to find Gracie and probably just is as confused as Gracie was. We went for a long walk and I’m hoping she is too tired to worry anymore and sleeps all afternoon. I will slip out again about lunch time to go back to the neighborhood where the vet is and sit at some Starbucks drinking way too much coffee, pretending to work on this blog.
As I head out for the day waiting for Gracie’s vet’s call…all I can think about is this hodgepodge of the worst. What happens if she doesn’t make it? Do they cremate her without us? Do we get to decide what to do? Do we get to see her? I mean, you name it, I thought of it and it sucked so bad inside. I was cramping like nothing else. At 1pm, I talked to the vet and those 3o seconds she put me on hold were the worst minutes of my life, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to vomit that horribly ever. They finally told me she was out of surgery, recovering and was already trying to get up and walk out of the vet. At that point the feeling of nausea, happiness and gut wrenching tears overcame me. I didn’t know what to feel, how to feel and in what order to feel. I may never know how to explain that feeling at that moment.
When I went to go get her, she came out, dazed and totally just beyond any coherence. She had no idea who I was, what had just happened, she was just struggling to breathe from her own nervousness. I was full of tears and wanted to puke so bad. The car ride home as rough as she puked up saliva and foamy residue and wouldn’t stop hyperventilating. This was just too much for me to take.
At this point, she’s finally calm after some oxygen, ice and water. She is back at home, but still worries me to death. I am beyond grateful that she’s ok, but worried that she’s not still herself. No, I am not stupid, I know that she will be out of it. Yes, I know that she will take some time given her age and the severity of her procedure. Gracie’s scar is leaving residual blood stains and she’s peed on the couch and still hasn’t figured out who I am. My heart hurts, I can barely keep my eyes open. I will be sleeping on the floor rug near her crate tonight so she doesn’t jump off the bed and can have access to water. I know she’s in pain and there isn’t much I can do for her. I don’t ask for much on social media by way of prayers and good wishes, but today I had to. This was one of, if not the worst day I’ve had in a LONG LONG TIME. I learned more today about my friends and people than I had ever.
I can’t thank those enough that kept me sane and positive all day, those that have been there since this tumor was diagnosed. I am exhausted, drained and can barely keep my eyes open, but I have a night in front of me that requires me to be alert if something happens. I can’t say much more; I can barely type much more. The only thing I can say is that my baby is home, safe and in my arms and nothing beats that…. NOTHING.
I keep watching her, seeing her body go up and down with every breath, hearing her every snore, she still doesn’t really recognize me. I don’t care, because I know she’s mine. It’s going to be rough few days, but she’s my heart and she’s safe and sound. I meant to put more pics in this blog, but honestly, I’m exhausted…. I’m apologize.
Love you Gracie. Thanks everyone for being there!