TWELVE. “FooDoo”

One of the oldest forms of marketing has been the still photograph.  We have been documenting moments in the form of pictures since the 1800s.  Through the years, photography evolved as did our discretion as to what we captured.  When we had cameras with film, we were careful as to what 24 pics we would take and had no idea how they looked until they were developed.  These days, in the digital world, photography is becoming a lost art.  We will take pictures of ANYTHING!!!  Don’t get me wrong, I love a good selfie, usie, and of course, being a chef…love FOOD PICS!  Everyone thinks they are a photographer, and a good one at that!  But this blog isn’t about photography, it’s about food.  It’s about how terribly food is photographed.  How people don’t look at what they take pics of, they just click away and POST IT!  Being a chef, I post food pics all the time, IT’S MY JOB!  The rest of you, JUST STOP IT…..really, when your food is uglier than your duckface selfie, there’s a problem.  If I offend you, you’ve automatically admitted your guilt, and for that I will never apologize.

Recently, I’ve been a part of numerous food blogs and fitness groups on various social media sites.  There is one common theme amongst all these groups….”LOOK AT WHAT HEALTHY PILE OF SH!T I ATE TODAY!!!”  Oh my God.  IMG_0233If I have to look at one more over cinnamoned gloopy bowl of oatmeal with beige bananas, I’m going to vomit all over my keyboard.  If oatmeal needs to be doctored that much, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EATING IT????  Don’t you have any common sense?  Do you not have eyes?? On what level is that even attractive??  Most of us don’t want to see a bowl of diarrhea, it’s that freaking simple.  As humans, we eat with our eyes first, with that said, I’d have starved by now just looking at pics of “foodoo”…get it, food that looks like doodoo.  Yes, I said it, your food looks like something my bulldogs leave behind outside.  Along the lines of color, the other thing I can’t stand is monotone food pics…one color, one texture, sometimes even one pile.  Look at these pics…it looks like Kermit the Frog took a sh!t and then threw up.

Let me ask you one question…would you wear a pair of green pants with a green shirt?Unless you were a green bean for Halloween, I highly doubt it.  Then why on earth would you do that to your food??  Do you not have any sort of concept of coordination?  Haven’t you heard of the color red, yellow, or white?  You are trying so hard to be healthy, which is great, but you can’t convince me to eat that no matter what Instagram filter you use.  I’d rather look at a pile of fries knowing that it’s bad for me, but at least it looks AMAZING!  What I love the most are the captions that say “I know this looks ugly, but trust me, it’s really good!”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Yeah, you can’t even stand by your own pic, and I’m supposed to trust you.  Idiot.  You are a complete idiot.  12717163_10205121205582077_6525956817526175796_nTake this pic for example, do you know what this is?  After I polled a sample of people asking that same question, the best answer I got was “Grimace’s vajayjay.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  I LOLed for hours after that response.  I’m still giggling like a 5th grader!   Not sure if that thing is even female, but the fact that this person wasn’t the only one to reference this pic to look like lady parts is just embarrassing for the person that posted this.  No one wants to eat that, not even Grimace’s significant other…too much?  LOL. 😉   Listen, I’m not dogging you for eating healthy, it’s a great thing that you are doing for yourself!  I applaud those making good healthy food choices. However, I highly doubt you are enjoying what you eat, because it honestly looks like something from a compost bucket.  So think about the next time you post some ugly plates of healthy food, are you convincing us that this is good, or yourself?

A quick note to those that take pics of all these supplemental shakes, you will never convince me to drink something that looks like it came out of that rotating cement truck pouring a new city sidewalk, that’s just nasty.  Basically, if it’s not a concrete mixer from Culvers, don’t post it!

Ok, not all is lost in the world of fit food photography.  There are a ton of people out there that take great pics of healthy food using a variety of colors and textures.  I don’t need to be convinced to try to make what they are eating, I just will. 12087298_10156123737415527_7118318657380365959_oMy eyes will look at the colors and my taste buds with salivate at the thought of the flavors.  My mind will start concocting recipes that emulate that picture.  Look at this pic, you can see Mill Hoy’s whole day of fit food, and he’s vegan!  I mean that could spell diasster, but it doesn’t!  He eats a variety of fruits and vegetables of different colors.  His presentation is spot on even with the most basic items.  Even his shake is pretty!  Granted I don’t know if it tastes good, I may never know, but what do I care??!!  At least I like looking at it and can try and create the same meals myself!  Now, some of you might think, oh well maybe he’s a chef or knows just how to take great pics.  Two things: One, he’s not a chef, he’s a YouTube Fitness Personality (***whom I will shamlessly promote below); two, when food looks good, it photographs well no matter who’s taking it. I love a good spinach pasta, but it’s hard to put a sauce on it that complements the color of the pasta.  Anything red, turns the dish brown…and putting anything green on it is just culinary suicide.  pasta.PNGSo I made a spinach pasta, tossed in a little bit of olive oil, fresh lemon and goat cheese and topped it with some peppered grilled salmon.  It’s visually appealing, it’s perfectly healthy, and it tasted amazing.  Ask yourself how much convincing you need to eat that just based on looks (yes, I understand that not everyone likes goat cheese, but we aren’t talking about flavor profile).  Ok fine, I have a professional eye for 12717159_1053570868042618_2994116918872382291_n.jpgfood, but this person doesn’t and I still applaud their use of color and textures in pasta dish that was just a home cook making good life choices for herself.  As a matter of fact, I am guilty of posting stuff that looks awful!  See!!!?? 290572_262539590453379_1260758968_o You don’t have to put every healthy item in your pantry and fridge into your yogurt or oatmeal.  A few berries or raisins with a sprinkle of cinnamon and fresh fruit, makes for a stunning picture, that is post worthy.  So show some restraint, take that picture, then go to town with your abhorrent levels of food destruction and remember to keep that to yourself, no one will judge you for it because how will we all know??? 🙂



See, it’s not about being a chef, it’s about taking a step back and looking at your food and ask yourself, would you pay to eat something that looks like that?  If yes, then take a picture and post it.  If you are just sharing your healthy dietary delectables to create awareness, just telling me about it works just as well.  I don’t want to be turned off by something you are eating before I even get a chance to make it for myself.  I want to want what you are eating, not be repulsed by how it looks.  Bottom line, if whatever food you just took a picture of resembles anything you’ve coughed up, upchucked, defecated or just looks like something inappropriate, do yourself and yours truly a favor, erase it.

***I would like to take a minute and give my homie, Millionaire Hoy, a huge shout out for inspiring me to write this blog!  He’s been a pioneer in the fitness world on You Tube for years with his multiple fitness channels.

FOR ALL YOU FITNESS FREAKS!  He, along with my trainer, Jake and some other fabulous You Tube Fitness personalities have launched a new collaborative channel called Sweat Stream!  I am super excited for these guys as all of their workouts are as amazing as they are different.  You can get them all on on channel and branch out to their own individual channels, it’s a one stop shop!  I love the concept and strongly encourage you to check them out!   Check out the intro video below, click and SUBSCRIBE!    I can’t wait to see what these guys come up with!***







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