FOUR. SUGAR COATED

Ribbons of intertwined velvet embracing that thin, delicate frame, perfect little tear drop kisses gently caressing that smooth sheath …. You know what I’m talking about 😉  DROOL.

The opening credits from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory!!  (get your heads outta the gutter, you know you went there for a split second)

This is still one of the best opening credits mainly because no one ever forgets it and honestly, we all kinda wondered at one point or another how sugar and cocoa beans transform into those delicious indulgent neatly foil-wrapped morsels that we often feel guilty about.  The movie itself portrays old school candy stores with malt fountains and tons of penny candy.  What happened to all that???  Truth is, candy has become so impersonal and gimmicky that we’ve lost all touch with that one special gold foil butter candy from Grandpa’s candy jar.candy 5  Yes, you know I am talking about those Werther’s commercials from way back when.  Having 3 years of experience working for Werther’s (told you I once was a corporate rat), I can honestly speak to the evolution of candy and how commerical it’s become mainly driven by the holidays.

 

Starting with Valentine’s Day, which in my opinion is the worst selection of candy.  candy 4I mean why does love mean cinnamon red hots?  I always think of fake cinnamon extract when I think of being with my love, don’t you?  Then you have those atrociously large heart shaped candy boxes, which  you know she won’t eat, but you give it to her anyhow because you are supposed to.  candy 6There are so many useless chocolates in there.  You know those poor fruit filled, jelly filled and even nut ones aren’t getting a single chance…hmm, nice analogy about life, Monica. candy 7 Oh, and those conversation hearts????!!!  Those are just pieces of sidewalk chalk than someone created and convinced us all that they were edible, just gross.  Nothing says love than a colorful milk of magnesia tablet….ooooh baby!  What nonsense.

 

Now Easter, there’s the holiday that really ruined candy.  One word.  PEEPS.  What the heck is that crap???? candy 8 I can’t even begin to understand those stupid little bright colored sugar birds that NEVER spoil.  Yeah, they never go bad, real comforting, huh?  Imagine how long that will sit in your digestive track.  Then comes the eggs filled with whatever they can conjure up.   Then you have the chocolate bunnies that no one really eats, except for biting the ears off…ahem, ok maybe just me, oh come on, just admit it. candy 9  By the way, does anyone understand the concept of the hollow chocolate bunnies?  What an awful joke on a kid…here’s your shell, we didn’t have enough chocolate to fill it.  Idiots. Apparently if you fill an egg with something, paint something pastel or shape it in the form of a bunny, you will make millions.

 

 

All this rant brings me to the holidays in December, yes, that’s my PC way of saying it, but truthfully, it’s Christmas.  So for my convenience, I will use the term Christmas as I can’t be PC all the time.  Christmas candy is the worst evolution of candy, period.  They took the worst of the lot and made it even stupider.

What I don’t understand is why do we need it??  This time of year, homes are filled with real desserts like cookies, cakes, pies and the occassional yule log, how is that not enough?  Does reshaping a Snickers bar into a Christmas tree make it taste better?  Is it worth the extra 50 cents you will pay to get 3 oz less?  YES, we pay it and we love it.  I can’t explain it.  We love to buy those ridiculous clear candy canes filled with silver and red Hershey kisses, which btw, are old and stale by the time you open them.  I can tell you that from production to retail,candy 3 that chocolate has been sitting, traveling, repackaged for at least 8-10 weeks before it even gets to the retailer….aren’t we better than stale candy?  Ok, so we all can’t go to a candy factory and eat freshly pulled taffy off the line, but we can go back to basics and stop paying for gimmicks.  Why can’t I just eat my Sour Patch Kids, in the original colors and flavors and still be festive?  candy 1I mean take a look, they combined Sour Patch Kids with one of the worst candy mistakes ever, the cane.  Candy canes are the product of a disgruntled employee, playing a practical joke by recalibrating the taffy pull at a peppermint stick factory.  And guess what, he didn’t make a cent and instead this has become a world wide symbol.  I hate them, all of them…the fruit flavored ones confuse me and the chocolate ones disgust me.  The worst is when you look at something red and white, thinking it’s minty and it ends up tasting like anything but mint.  It’s like a push-up bra, just a visual tease, no substance.  I mean come on, a brown candy cane is not appealing, at all…..don’t lie to yourself.   Also, don’t fool yourself into thinking you are “being good” if you buy those individually wrapped mini candy canes, that just makes you a moron. candy 2 You might as well eat those wrapped peppermint stick poops that your assistant keeps at her desk.  Oh and for the record, those holiday PEEPS, yeah the peppermint dipped in chocolate version is the equivalent of poop dipped in vomit, stay away.

Listen, I’m not trying to “scrooge” your holiday confectionary desires, but make good choices.  What are they, you ask?   I don’t know, I don’t even like candy…..well most of it anyhow.  Eat what you want, eat what you enjoy even if it’s not shaped, colored or repackaged in holiday attire.  Who cares??!!!  And if you are one of those that eats up the holiday themed delectables, then know that I judge you and be ok with that.

Disclaimer:  These views aren’t coming from a candy snob or a chef’s palette, but a human with taste buds.

Next up….I don’t know, with the holidays,  look for some quick recipes and also some tips on resolutions!

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